On kindness and cheese
At times you might find yourself in desperate need of some things in life, but just because you feel you're not getting enough of them, it does not mean you are out of stock. Let me explain.
It is like the cheese analogy, but the other way around. Imagine Emmentaler cheese. The more cheese you have, the more holes you have. The more holes you have, the less cheese you have. The more cheese, the less cheese. Get it?
Love, hugs, kindness, compassion. Just because you feel you are not getting enough from the outside world, it does not mean you don't have any to give. If you offer some, there will be more of it in the world. So, therefore... If there's more of it in the world, there sure is more out there for you, too, right?
Many spiritual teachers say that everything you need, you already have within yourself. I have always dismissed this claim as a very abstract, all-encompassing universal truth. Something you can slap on a gift shop item but can't really live by. Because yeah, sure, if I need company and care, I can always just go hug myself, cozily curl up in the corner afterwards and call it a day. Right? And over time, I indeed become heavenly happy, zen-level peaceful, and most likely in a white, soft, bolstered room. A little far-fetched, I know, but you get the point. But then… the longer I kept thinking about it, the more I had to admit it kinda is like the lockdown headline from last March: if you can't go outside, go inside. Are you able to give love to people in your life? If yes, why shouldn't you be able to provide some to yourself? Are you kind to people? What prevents you from being kind to yourself? Are you caring? What is stopping you from being caring towards yourself?
I keep wondering why this is so difficult to practice. Is this our societal programming? Is it true that being loving, caring, and kind towards ourselves is selfish and stops us from being driven and on top performance? Or does it only prevent us from being needy and prone to higher consumerism the society benefits from, so there is a good reason for keeping it so unpopular? Do we honestly, sincerely believe that being kind towards ourselves is wrong, or have we accepted it because it seems to be the standard? Is it truly so difficult to do, or is it just so rare to be seen that it is easier to skip on it and 'go with the flow'?
And while we're on our merry way down the rabbit hole, let's dig a little deeper. What does all of this mean to you? What do you understand under 'taking good care of yourself' or behind 'being kind to yourself'? What does self-love mean to you? To be honest, I am not sure I can offer a clear definition myself – for me, all of this is a journey. And while it is still ongoing, I would dare to say it is probably the most important one I have ever embarked on. Some time ago, I used to think that being good to myself is all about allowing myself things, splurging, spoiling myself. That self-care is bath salts and face masks and all that jazz. I assume I am not the only one. And it can be all that, yes, but it also is about saying no, tough love, and discipline. It is about being honest with myself, doing the right thing even when nobody sees me, knowing my boundaries and sticking to them, and so much more. But then, if self-care means both being nice to myself and being tough on myself.. how the f am I supposed to do both? And that's when it hit me.
Taking care of myself is being attentive to what it is I currently need. Sometimes it's coffee and a cake for breakfast, and sometimes it is sucking it up and that one workout even if I really, really don't wanna. Self-love is not judging myself and accepting whichever phase of this cycle I am in. Self-care is doing what I need, non-judgmentally, regardless of where I find myself and how I feel about it in that particular moment.
So... if you're still wondering how to give yourself the cheese when you feel you're getting the holes, I'm afraid I won't have an a-b-c-d guide for you that will do the trick. Nobody does, and nobody has it for themselves either. At any given point in time when I thought I'd figured it out, I had to learn it changes over time anyway. If I have any words of advice for you, it's these: pay attention to your body, mind, and heart. Whatever the question is, trust yourself that you have the answer. And finally – and I can't stress this one enough - be brutally honest with yourself in the process. That is what is going to make all the difference.
“Your life will improve only when you take small chances, and the first and most difficult chance you can take is to be honest with yourself.”
